A Well Kept Man

What can I say about driving in Italy, except I STRONGLY discourage it. Take the train, take a bus, fly in and walk, but getting into a car and trying to navigate roundabouts in Italy is not for the faint of heart. Driving in Chicago is a treat compared to the white knuckled, Readiness Level 5, Terrorism watch Red alert that we experienced this weekend.

I knew we were in trouble when we got into the outskirts of Turino and proceeded into a roundabout. Before you think that maybe I'm just a bad driver, hear me out (and please don't talk to my wife, she's not very patient with my driving skills). Picture me going into the roundabout after carefully studying the traffic flow and patterns and such, as well as waiting for an opening that is ample in size to allow me to merge into the traffic circle. I give the car gas and no problems yet as I merge into the circle when all of the sudden a van comes flying into the circle from a different spoke at about 80 km/hr (the speed limit is maybe 50 km/hr in the circle) and nearly T-bones me. Thankfully nobody was hurt, damaged, crunched, impacted, etc., although I think I am no longer welcome back in that traffic circle.

Anyway, we are driving along following the directions of Susan, the lovely computer generated voice in our TomTom ( a lthough I had to turn her down because she says roundabout weird, she says "round-did-about-t"). When you select directions sometimes you can pick options like "avoid toll roads" or "fastest route". Well, when you pick "avoid toll roads" you might end up in the middle of the Saturday market where about 30,000 people are shopping for fruits, veggies, and gelato and somehow they still allow idiots like me to drive through.
In Italy, apparently a red light is more of an opportunity to show how creative you can be while freaking out foreigners. For example, let's say you are approaching an intersection with a dedicated left turn lane that is currently red (but doesn't have any cars in it) and you are in the adjacent lane which is currently green (and is full of cars going slightly slower than the posted speed limit). What do you do if you are an Italian at the end of the line of cars in the green lane?

A. Wait in line, you'll get there soon enough
B. Honk your horn at the people in front of you for not going fast enough
C. Put down your cigarette, finish your third shot of espresso since the last traffic circle, accelerate into the left turn lane, blow through the red light, merge over into the green line in the middle of the intersection hoping a space opens up for your Fiat, and then continue on as if nothing happened

If you guessed A, you are from Minnesota and have never been further away from the Cities than Duluth; B, you've driven in New York, LA, or Chicago, but certainly not Italy; C, well, that's what we saw so that's what I say Italians do all the time (seriously, this happened more often than not).

Quiz #2, pretend you and your Mama-cita have just finished grocery shopping at the market where the crazy American with Swiss license plates almost ran you over and you need to unload your 10 kilos of tomatoes and 5 kilos of ricotta (when you say kilos instead of pounds, it makes me think of watching a bunch of cops talk about the sting they are setting up in the abandoned warehouse down by the river). If you are Italian, what do you do?

A. Park your car in the nearest available parking space on the side of the road out of the flow of traffic
B. Park your car in front of your apartment, in the flow of traffic, with your blinker on indicating you have stopped
C. Park your car in the middle of the road
D. Drive halfway onto the curb, leaving the back-end of your car in traffic

Correct answer: B, C, and D are all correct choices.

As you can see from these limited examples, driving in Italy can be very interesting. Don't even get me started on the fact that within 20km there are 3 separate streets in Turino with the same name and same address (and yes, the third one was our hotel, after driving 10km to the first one, 15 back to the second, and 17 to third). Maybe it's best to leave driving in Italy to those who have had an espresso IV permanently attached.

Oh, and another thing, when crossing the border from Italy into Switzerland, make sure you read the signs. My Italian is rusty, but it seems the word ALTO means stop. Completely. Rolling stops are not advised (unless driving in Italy then they are suggested to protect your momentum).

The normally mild-mannered Swiss borders guards get a little testy when you kind of slow down and say "Bonsoir" and keep moving. It may be ok going the other way, but not from Italy into Switzerland. Example conversation we had with the Italian border guy as I kind of stopped but not really going into Italy: "Where are you going?" Turino. "Turino? Then where?" That's it, we're coming back tomorrow. "Um, ok, Arrivederci". (Apparently nobody goes just to Turino, so it required a follow up question...which we passed)

Example conversation with Swiss border guard after I finally stopped upon the specter of having to spend the rest of my life driving in Italy: Points to sign that says STOP in Italian and French. "Move your car over there." Intense waiting begins with me and Alli feeling like the Von Trapps in the Sound of Music figuring we could just make a run for the Alps. When he comes back about five minutes later, I have my plan figured out of how I'll open the door right as he approaches, knock him down, and speed off in my station wagon. Only before I can attempt my Jason Bourne impersonation on him he hands back our passports and tells us we are set to go (which he grabbed from my hand as I rolled through the stop sign ~ side note, don't think about outrunning the law when they have your identification and you wear white socks with running shoes, they'll find you!).