A Well Kept Man

This post is probably going to be lengthy, so I'll break it up into a couple to keep you on the edge of your seat. I must warn you that I don't advise reading this post on a laptop in the bathroom as being on the edge of that seat could create problems that I am in no way responsible for causing.

Well, it was bound to happen. No, we weren't arrested, deported, nor banned from anything...but let me tell you what went down in old Zurich town (Part I). Swiss National Day occurs every year on the first day of August. Every town and village celebrates the day marking the solidarity of all Swiss States as one nation (they've been celebrating this day for 100 years, although the official Federal Charter of Switzerland dates to 1291, so a little longer than the U.S., but who's counting).

Zurich is a neat old town, filled with neat old buildings and neat old people (just kidding, there were some new buildings too). We made our way to the neat old train station where we waited in a line for a while...we got older...the line was long...finally. Alli asked what there was to do today as all the shops were closed (due to the holiday) so there must be some fun things to do. The tourist agentista (I thought I'd make her sound more important than she really was, kind of like the barista at Starbucks) indicated that there was a parade to celebrate the Swiss National Day, but that ended a few hours ago (gee, thanks for making us feel like idiots for not being here first thing to watch the Swiss Shriners on their miniature funiculars going through the roundabouts spraying the crowd with fondue). She told us that there was a folk festival occurring down near the lake but that was over at four. It was about 2-ish so she figured we might not make it without some sort of transportation miracle, being that it was a good kilometer or so and who on Earth could possibly make it that far in such a short period of time, especially on foot? (If this doesn't make you chortle then you obviously don't understand the disdain Europeans have for traversing long distances in a short period of time. To them, driving an hour out of the city should take at least a day or two because there is just so much to see and do along the way. Look kids a rest stop! We'll, if they didn't want me to rest they wouldn't have built it, let's stop and sleep overnight...wake up, drive 50km, repeat. And that's the story of why Europeans need ten weeks of vacation each year). She then bemoaned the lack of fireworks in the city (she was quite apologetic...it appears the rest of the world understands our zeal for blowing up things for no reason as long as the colors are pretty and sparkly) and said there really wasn't anything else to do. (Note to self, Zurich is really boring according to the person being paid to be an ambassador of the city).

Being in the folk festival mood (and not wanting to miss what appeared to be the only fun thing to do in this city according to an underpaid tourist agenista) we strolled down towards the lake. We found the festival site (you could smell the bratwurst and rösti from blocks away...hey, my computer learned a new trick, the umlaut!) and immediately were taken by the crowd and the sounds of horns. I knew we were in for a treat when I saw what at first appeared to be standard sized horns, but upon closer inspection revealed three giant alpenhorns...(Never underestimate the power of good vision). We listened to them play for a bit and took in the festivities (heck yes it was awesome). It was at this point that I got a fever. No, not a real fever...but I tell you, the only prescription to cure my fever, was more cowbell. The alpenhorn, or alphorn, is used by the mountain cow herders to signal the cows that it is time to come home for milking, as at the time of its invention yodeling was still deemed 'lame' by the alpenteens.

Rolf, Fritz, and Larry
In Switzerland, we've noticed the cows don't always have brands or tags like the cows back in the good ole' USA, instead, they wear bells around their necks. The bells vary in shape and size ranging from the kind Alli uses to summon me to draw her bath or bring her a chocolate, to the size of bell you'd find on a medieval church tower to let the town folks know when it was an acceptable time to open their calf-skin satchels of wine and yodel at above normal levels (provided there was no imminent avalanche danger). I have learned through the art of folk-lore (I learned this at this festival) that the point of the bells is to prevent the herders of cows from being startled.

This is how the word coward was invented. A cow herder, or cowherd for short was usually a wimpish male deemed unfit for other tasks such as tending the fondue pot or rounding up the field mice and bopping them on the head. Before the advent of cow bells the cowherds were often found frolicking in the Alpine meadows chasing marmots and goats, dreaming of a life where they could do more important tasks such as brush the fur on the cows or make the giant wheels of Gruyere cheese (they were still allowed to make wheels of cheese, but they were only allowed to make the pocket sized ones you often find wrapped in red cellophane at the supermarket). The cows found it such good fun to sneak up on the cowherd and let out a resounding moo-yodel that the cowherd would often run fearing his life was in mortal danger (unfortunately I do not have this on tape). Over time, the word changed to our present day 'coward' meaning someone who is afraid of cows.
Thus, the cowards invented the cowbell to help alleviate the problem of mischievous cows. The size of the bell is indicative of the skulduggery of the cow, the bigger the bell, the larger the offender. True story, honest.

Back to the story, it was during the playing of the Alpenhorns that I realized their beauty and majesty...They played all of the Swiss hits such as "Edelweiss," "Heidi, Grandpa can't find his Special Medicine," "The Alp Horn Jive" and "Marmot-dance," and then we were treated to a very special song; complete with authentic cowbells. I simply cannot express in words the feelings evoked by the pastoral scene created by the musical harmony of the alpenhorns with the cowbells. Even watching it again and again I am struck by the grandeur of the cowbells...the only question I have is how the cow learned the melody.

Enjoy the clip below, I hope it brings you as much joy as it has to me!