A Well Kept Man

Since many of my readers do not speak French, I will translate this sign (from my previous post) for you in case you happen to be in an area that requires obedience to the rules of the land.

Cell One: You will be much happier if you walk in front of your child. Cows will attack the slowest and weakest member of your hiking party. You can always have more kids.

Cell Two: Most cows are afraid of larger animals. Use a dog on a leash to make yourself seem bigger. Taking longer strides and holding your arms out straight will make you seem like a giant.

Cell Three: Make sure to know the metric system. Europe is better because of the metric system and you will enjoy your walk more if you know how to calculate distances in meters instead of feet. Cows stand on average 20 meters from the path, if you find yourself any closer than this to a cow, it is because you have converted units incorrectly.

Cell Four: Cows like to pretend they are in an orchestra, hence the bells and mooing. Make sure you have your children practice their conducting techniques before approaching the cows as they are very sensitive to poor performances.

Cell Five: Baby cows like to be petted, but do not bend your wrist while petting. Cows get jealous of humans ability to articulate their hands so it is best to pretend you can't.

Cell Six: The bells on the cows are very heavy and force them to keep their heads facing towards the ground. The bells are to remind the cows to eat the grass because that is what they are being paid to do. Think of cows as nature's lawn mowers.

Cell Seven: If a cow approaches you about a time-share presentation in exchange for a free weekend in a ski-chalet, continue walking. This is a common tourist scam which will involve a high-pressured sales pitch.

Cell Eight: Do not try to knight a cow. The last thing Switzerland needs is cows running around liberating the oppressed and searching for holy relics.