A Well Kept Man

Today (5 August) is my dad's birthday, and since I can't be in Michigan to celebrate I'll just have to do it online. For those of you who don't know the legend of my father, I will recite it for you here. Now I am doing this from memory so some of the details may not be accurate; overall I think I keep pretty close to the original story with only moderate embellishments.

A young Army Captain and his wife having spent a few years together after his graduation from West Point getting to know each others habits, drink preferences (Martinis and Manhattans, respectively), and roles in the household (the negotiations were tenuous) were eagerly waiting for his next assignment. Now during this time there went out a decree from General MacArthur that all of the Army personnel should be taxed. The Army Captain, being a true American hero, who hailed from the city of St. Joseph (Missouri...or was it Atchison, Kansas?), took his wife to be registered. This was the second registration that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria (apparently the first one didn't go so well...uncounted registrations, registration disenfranchisement, registration intimidation, etc.).

Just kidding, that's not really what happened. You see, my Grandpa was stationed in Japan following the Second World War (not immediately after, but due to contractual obligations I have been sworn to secrecy as to the exact year of my father's birth...) along with my Grandma (she wasn't stationed there as far as we know, but there's always the possibility that she is a secret CIA agent, living a double life of coffee klatches and espionage...I'm just saying) where they lived in relative peace and harmony with the local Japanese (except for that one night when Grandma accidentally wore her shoes into the house of the mayor of the city). It was at this point that a giant green lizard (which was awoken from the atomic bombs dropped at the end of the war) began terrorizing a small island named Odo (although at that time he was black and white as color TV hadn't been invented yet). Attacks by the Army against this menacing beast proved fruitless.

It was at this time the young Army Captain and his wife were visited by angels (while they slept of course so there conveniently wouldn't be any witnesses) who told them they were going to have a son. Their son would deliver the people from the menacing beast, known locally as ゴジラ, (This is Japanese for Gorilla ゴリラ, and Whale 鯨...according to Wikipedia anyway). It was on the 5th day of August in an unspecified year, during the second term of Prime Minister Shigeru Yoshida, that their son was born.

His name would be Timothy.

After quickly showing at a young age his skills in taming the lizard through compassion, love and understanding, it became apparent that he would be destined for greatness as a Pastor in the Lutheran Church. During this time a star shone brightly signifying to the world that the days of sermons lasting longer than fifteen minutes would no longer be tolerated. That star still shines today in the hearts and minds of those who bore witness to its glory.

At this time it would also be revealed that as a two-year old he foolishly signed away the rights to his story, which Hollywood quickly changed to remove any references of the young prodigy and his passionate story to something more action-packed. (The way I've heard the story, Grandma and Grandpa had left him unsupervised with Raymond Burr while in the hospital in Tokyo delivering their second son, who would go on to be a coonskin cap wearing, hermit crab fisherman in North Carolina who specializes in alligator wrestling).

So every year we celebrate this most honorable and glorious of days, the birth of Timothy the Preacher. May we all clap our hands mightily and raise our ice-laden Diet Cokes in his honor, lest we never forget why he was sent...to defeat the menacing Godzilla!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Just Two Cool Dudes Walking their Dogs