A Well Kept Man

After being in Switzerland for a while, you find it necessary to establish routines and habits that help keep you sane. Many of these activities and events help remind us that we are still English-speaking Americans and there are some quasi-American things to do thousands of miles away from the mother ship. Last night we decided we would make it a date night and go see a movie after another wonderful dinner prepared by the executive chef (grilled turkey tenderloin salad with pear, and a dijon-balsamic vinaigrette). Let me set the stage.

Across Switzerland throughout the months of July and August a local wireless phone provider is sponsoring outdoor showings of movies at various locations. We are very fortunate to have one of these locations about a twenty minute walk from our apartment. We figured it would be a unique way to see a movie and at the same time provide some well-needed balance in our somewhat Franco-Swiss environment. The movies that have been shown range from the new Batman movie to Indiana Jones 4 and Wall-E. The trick is picking a night when the movie being shown is in English, as most nights the movies are dubbed in French.

Last night the movie was "Get Smart," or for the French speakers out there "Max la Menace" (apparently the French translation of "Get Smart" makes people think their going to a lecture on personal hygiene and existentialism). The forecast for the day was rain but it basically quit raining around two or three and was fairly clear when we made the call at about seven thirty or so to go see the film. Remember this as it will become important later.

The film was set to start at 21h30 (so 9:30pm) so we left the apartment around eight figuring we would get there early to grab a good seat. We had a pleasant walk down to the lake and over to the stadium where we arrived expecting a throng of movie-goers (I mean, it's Monday night, schools out, why wouldn't' there be thousands of English speaking people in a Swiss city trying to sit outside to watch a movie at 9:30?)...sadly, we were probably the 12th and 13th people to get there.

As we approached the ticket booth I wondered in my head if I had enough cash to get us in (they too have cash in Switzerland, but their money is different colors and shapes and I don't recognize any of the dudes). I quickly retrieved my cash storage device (that's French for wallet) and saw that I had 40 CHF which is roughly $37 US (hopefully oil keeps dropping, the dollar keeps strengthening, and I can buy Zurich before we come back to the States). I'm thinking I'm good.

Barely.

A friend of Alli's from Medtronic warned us before we made it over here that everything will take twice as long to do the same thing in America, and will often cost twice as much. We have noticed this in restaurants and in all things bureaucratic as we have lingered at a table for an extra hour sometimes looking for our waiter (note to self, learn how to say "Please bring the check with the food" in French, German, Italian, Spanish, British, and Gaelic). Back to the story....

Now I've been to New York and saw a movie once for $12 and figured there must be some sort of beverage or food included with the ticket (even though there was not...thankfully I had some contraband M&M's in my pocket. Mmmm, warm M&M's). Nevertheless I was prepared for a 10-15 CHF movie ticket. The final total of two tickets to a movie that has been out since June....36 CHF ($33). It's at this point that I am super excited because I figure that the movie will actually be performed live by the cast of "Get Smart" right here in Switzerland (I mean, why else would they need to charge me that much?). I started looking around for the trailers that the pampered Hollywood stars ride in, but all I saw was a rather plump man fishing for perch and some teenage skateboarding punks (skate boarding is not a crime here in Switzerland).

(Another bonus that my darling bride reminded me of...there was a special rate for unemployed people/students/trolls with an extra eye...sadly I didn't know how to prove I had no job so I got suckered into paying full price. I also forgot my extra eye sticker at home so I couldn't get the troll rate either.)

I coolly calmed myself once I realized that yes, I could have produced the film myself for this much money but what fun would that have been and I resigned to myself to enjoy the rest of the evening. We successfully convinced the ticket booth mademoiselle that I spoke and understood perfect French (if you pretend to understand what they are saying, nod your head at appropriately spaced intervals, and say "Merci," you can fool just about anyone). We gave our tickets to the gatekeeper who sputtered off something in French about our tickets (great! I just bought fake movie tickets from an illegal ticket booth and now I'll have to shell out another 36 CHF to get into this movie). I nodded my head politely, said "Merci" and started to walk in (nobody was chasing me, so I guess I fooled her sufficiently), only Alli did not. She sort of stopped and looked really confused, to which she turned back to the gatekeeper and said "What?".

"IMPOSTERS!"

It was at this point the gatekeeper replied back "Do you want a rain poncho for the movie?" (Wow, I can understand French...oh wait, that's English, dang!). Alli of course asks if she thought we would need them, to which the gatekeeper replied that she had no idea, she hoped not, but they were "free" so we might as well take them. Judging by the exceptional Swiss quality of the ponchos I was able to recalculate our ticket price and realize things were getting better. (Movie tickets 35.95 CHF, rain ponchos, 2 for 0.05 CHF...yea, they were awesome.)

So we continued to walk into the movie grounds when Alli again stops, turns around and asks what else she said when we walked in. The gatekeeper (keeping in mind one more question in English will expose us as really bad CIA spies and certainly earn us a one way trip to the Gulag) replies that we can exchange our ticket stub for a free ice cream at the tent by the entrance. WOOHOO, free ice cream that I paid for, yes! (Movie tickets 29.95 CHF, 2 for 0.05 CHF rain ponchos, 2 ice cream cones for 6.00 CHF.)

So we go over to the ice cream counter where the French speaking ice-cream maiden asks which kind of ice cream we would like (in French). The word for chocolate in French is 'chocolat' (pronounced sho ko la) and vanilla is 'vanille' (van nee yer). Alli responds "chocolate" in perfect English and I respond "vanill" in perfect Mark-French. The Swiss-teen doling out the "free" ice cream wasn't impressed and rolled her eyes. Oh well, at least I got some ice cream.

After enjoying our ice cream we decided we should go find our seats as there would certainly be only a few good ones left being that the movie was going to start in 30 minutes. We were surprised to find that only eight of the three hundred or so seats had been claimed (apparently the other four people were still trying to sell their free ice cream tickets for bus fare to get back home...thankfully we walked so this wasn't a problem). After picking the perfect seat in the middle about two-thirds of the way up we sat down to our spectacular view.

We were watching a perfect sunset behind the majestic Alps of France, with the sun's final rays shimmering in perfect pinks, reds, and oranges as the waves of the lake danced below them. The first stars of the evening were beginning to twinkle in the heavens above, and a warm, late summer breeze blew tousling the leaves on the trees surrounding the stadium. At least that's what it would have looked like had it not been cold, overcast, and sprinkling. We did however have a great view of the rain rolling in towards our location. The stadium itself is right on the water, so you could watch the surface of the lake to see where the rain was and how fast it was moving. Utilizing rudimentary math I was able to pinpoint the exact starting time of the rain (Murphy's law) to the start of the movie.

When the movie was set to start hordes of people flocked into the stadium, filling about three-fifths of the stadium (I'm using fractions to help my younger readers out there get ready for school in a couple weeks...). We were then treated to previews. What transpired was fifteen minutes of product advertisements for items I don't want (even if I did, they were advertised in French and I wasn't really sure what to think. For example, one involved a couple eating breakfast in their country home. When the husband poured the orange juice, the sunflowers in the fields outside all turned toward the glass of orange juice making a sound that made me think of troops turning an abrupt right while in formation and clicking their heels upon completion of said turn. I'm pretty sure if I buy that brand of orange juice I will either be abducted by sunflowers or I will want to join the Swiss army where I will then help rid the country of unwanted sunflowers (I've deciphered that sunflowers personify ugly American tourists). In unrelated news enrollment levels in the Swiss Army has never been higher).

After the previews, or advertisements, there were actual movie previews (all in French...which was interesting because I was still laughing even though I couldn't understand what they were saying. Comedy apparently transcends language, either that or it's just funny to hear people speak in French). It was at this point (the end of the previews & ads and the start of the movie) that the rain started. Thankfully we were prepared with our ponchos and umbrella (nobody was behind us so I didn't care if people in Switzerland now carry the impression that all Americans bring umbrellas to movies).

The rain wasn't that bad (it was a light rain mostly) and actually started to let up towards the middle. Before I forget, the movie was subtitled to aid all of the French reading people in the audience. Also, there were subtitles for the German reading people in the audience. This was interesting as we realized that one fourth of the screen was covered in text. After a few minutes we adjusted, until the bad guys in the movie started speaking Russian (all bad guys speak Russian...note to self: Learn Russian, chicks dig bad guys). We were really lost, as we failed to immediately notice that now in addition to German and French, there was also English subtitles.

It was around the half-way point of the movie when they decided to stop the movie for a fifteen minute smoke break. Europeans need to take things slowly while driving, vacationing, walking, etc., (read my previous posts), but they also apparently need time during a movie to stop, reflect, smoke, drink some wine (yes, people were actually bringing back glasses of Pinot Noir from the refreshment stand), and discuss the aspects of the movie. I can see the benefit of this as I am often accosted by my wife during movies, where she prods me for such valuable nuggets as "What's going on?," "I thought he was a bad guy," and "What happened, I was sleeping." (My responses are usually, "Shh! I'll tell you later," "Ugh, he was but now he isn't, I'll explain later," and "then go to bed and watch it tomorrow." The last one only works for DVDs because I can't afford to take her to more than one movie per month.)

Of course the rain has stopped for the intermission (seriously, do we need an intermission for a mindless Mel Brooks type comedy that is only 1 hour and 45 minutes long...) only to resume immediately upon everyone taking off their ponchos and putting away their umbrellas, and the resuming of the movie. At about the hour and a half mark there was a crucial scene where the rain started to come down pretty hard. For those that have been camping in the rain you are aware of the noise that rain can cause on the tent (or umbrella for that matter); needless to say I have no clue what the actors were saying for about five minutes. I hope it wasn't too important.

The movie ended, I clapped (well, not really...I didn't want to look like a complete buffoon), and the skies cleared. We walked home without getting wet at all (seriously, the rain stopped). So to recap, a movie that was just shy of two hours took us four hours to see, and cost about twice as much as I expected. It rained during the movie, and we were exposed as bumbling Americans who can't speak much French. I'd say it was a pretty good Date Night! (The movie was pretty funny too...)