A Well Kept Man

(Editor's note: Each of the pictures below can be clicked to see a normal size version of the photo...I do not recommend clicking on the chambermaid picture as it may cause nightmares. In the interest of conserving space and reducing global warming, I use smaller pics in the blog below. Thank you for supporting me in caring for the environment!)

Let's begin by welcoming you to beautiful Lausanne, Switzerland (we are on the Central European time zone and we observe Daylight Savings Time...we are +1 from GMT. We realize you have a choice when traveling and we would like to thank you for choosing Mark and Alli in Switzerland as part of your vacation). Did you have a nice trip? I hope the airport connections weren't too much of a hassle for you (I know the airport in Paris is under construction, but it beats flying through Amsterdam)...yes, we'll get to the chocolate factory tour soon, but first, let me take you on a tour of our apartment.

First, let me find a parking spot since we don't have a space in the garage. Yeah, for some reason we have to park outside but it beats parking outside in Minnesota. Ooh, there's a spot right in front where that old man is trying to get away. I'll let him move before I park there so he doesn't get too worried about me accidently hitting his Renault.

That's our apartment, the pinkish-hued one on the left. What's that you say, what's across the street? Oh, that's one of three community pools. It is very nice, it has an Olympic sized pool for lap swimming, tennis courts, a kiddie pool, and a normal pool for the kiddos to jump off the high dive. The noise isn't bad at all. In fact, it closes around 7 and in the winter is turned into a skating rink so we actually haven't even noticed it at all. It's also great because all of the cars are gone by the evening and since we aren't a major road it stays pretty quiet at night.

Well, here's the grand entrance...très chic! Hang on, let me check my mail. We don't get much but sometimes there is a letter or newspaper. Nope, nothing. Ok, now I have to open the second door with my universal key (it opens everything, the mailbox, the lobby doors, my apartment door, the laundry room, the storage room...). The ways these doors open it reminds me of either a cheesy ride at Disney World in Tomorrowland or the Starship Enterprise bridge. Sulu, set coordinates for 2nd floor, my apartment!

Shall we take the stairs or the lift (that's British for the elevator)? I'm guessing the lift since you have those heavy suitcases. I sure hope you brought me some fun American treats (shameless plug). Oh yeah, in case you are riding the elevator alone, R means the Ground Floor (not sure what R stands for but I think it means "Return to the Ground Floor" but they didn't have enough room to write the whole thing), we are on 2 (which is really the third floor), and -1 takes you to the basement where the laundry room and garage are located. You can also hit the door close button and the door will close without any delay (unlike in America where you have to wait the standard 5-10 seconds to make sure the doors with the automatic sensors don't attack you while trying to enter). Now I haven't tried the door open button yet so I don't know what it does...

Ah yes, here we are, second floor (third). We just over there to the right at the top of the stairs. The button on the bottom is to turn the lights in the hallway on, which is handy as they automatically shut off after a few minutes to save electricity. The button on top is our doorbell. You'll also notice a floor mat outside the door, it is there to prevent mad cow disease from being transmitted across the threshold. Allow me to open the door (you're going to have to move your giant suitcase that appears to be leaking...did you pack ice? You know, we do have ice here it's just not well advertised. You have to ask politely and you will get a cube or two).

Well, this is the grand foyer! As you can see it's quite spacious. Feel free to hang your coat right there and I'll show you around. You can leave your bag there for now, I'll have the timid chambermaid carry it to your quarters (please note that I am also the chambermaid despite the hairdo...so pretend you have to wait thirty seconds while I move your bag to the other room...look Alli, a boy multitasking!)

Welcome to our lovely kitchen. It was handcrafted with the finest European appliances, dinnerware, utensils, pottery, and tile from IKEA-taly. I'll admit it's nice having a refrigerator that is disguised as cabinet, only it's rough if you haven't had your morning bowl of ice cream and you can't remember which cabinet you need to open to get to the spoon, and which one holds my breakfast gelato. We have a lovely table in the kitchen with seating for four, although this can be increased to six if you happen to bring your man-servant and imaginary friend along.

As you can see we have a nice living room. The couch and chairs are comfy, unfortunately we don't have a pullout sofa or we'd have sleeping (comfortable anyway, there is plenty of floor space and we have ample sleeping bags) for more than four, although shorter people may sleep comfortably on the couch (I've only napped there a few dozen times this past week but I think I cleaned up most of the drool and chips that missed my mouth). We have two lovely terraces which open up off the living room/dining room/kitchen/bedrooms. The east facing terrace is great for summer barbecuing and social gatherings with our esteemed guests (such as yourselves). I'm glad you came, while the weather is ____________ (choose one: perfect, horrible) for sitting outside, we have much to see yet so you can come back later to ___________ (choose one: enjoy the terrace, turn into a Swiss popsicle). The north terrace is really just for sneaking out in the middle of the night and banging on the door of the person sleeping in the room next to you...I suppose we could put some chairs or something out there.

Yes, the fireplace works. It is very lovely this time of year, especially when we are looking for a little ambiance (actually, Switzerland has enough...let's move on). This is where the magic happens. (not that kind of magic...geesh) As you can see it isn't much but it serves it's purpose (I really only blog for about an hour and the rest of the time I search for internet recipes, baseball/football scores and stats, political news, and activities to do on the weekend with Alli (she should be home around 6 or 7...depending on whether or not she remembered you said dinner would be ready at 6). It also serves as our French teacher, but I often find it is better suited for games of Spider Solitaire and Minesweeper.

Oh, I almost forgot...there's a powder room across the way (across the way is French for two steps from where you are currently standing; this can also be used to describe the trek from the living room to the kitchen or bedroom or to the front door...it's not a large place). That room is for use whenever the more expansive chamber is occupied. Speaking of, this is the main bathroom. A little quirk about both bathrooms is that if you turn the fan on (usually racy jokes about wind tunnels do the trick), it doesn't activate immediately. It waits a bit before deciding to oblige (the same as when you turn it off...it takes a while to get the hint). I think this is due to the electricity takes longer to get here from America. Another thing, the toilets here are a bit different. They flush differently (and I'm not referring to the ones that spray up). See that giant plastic thing on the wall there, that's the lever to flush. I understand that Europeans have trouble activating the smaller American type toilet levers due to the amount of wine consumed while brushing their teeth (they don't use Evian to brush their teeth contrary to rumors on the internet). As a result, they invented fool proof flushing levers on the wall. If you wish to quit the flush (perhaps you are still sitting there or you just weren't ready), simply press stop at any time to exit the ride. A docent will guide you away from the toilet and to the nearest exit.

Outside the main bathroom is our room. If you see the room a-rockin', please let us know as there is most likely an earthquake or the apartment is about to collapse and we would like to be the first out (bloggers first, women and children second...somebody has to write about what happened). Immediately next to our room is the room where you will be staying. For an extra fee we can ensure you have clean sheets and towels upon your arrival.

You will also notice the lovely blinds located outside the doors. These can be controlled from inside and offer you the privacy of a inside blinds without the messy cleaning (we just wait til it rains). All of the rooms have their own doors that double as windows as they must have received a buy one get four free deal at the lumberyard. When closed, you will be amazed at the lack of outside noise and airflow in summer. We tend to keep them open at night. It is a safe neighborhood with only minor problems such as speaking a little too loud after 10pm (that's right crazy French speaking people, I'm talking to you!).

That concludes our tour and being that this tour was provided by an unpaid volunteer, please feel free to tip him as you leave so he can get a normal haircut.